Life in PNoy’s Enchanted Kingdom

My column in Business Mirror shows why machos are manangs at heart.

Dispatches from the Enchanted Kingdom
Manangs acquit rapist, Macho Mon applauds

“Girls just wanna have fun. Without being raped.”—Philip Gilmore

I never thought macho Mon Tulfo was a manang at heart. Until I read his column applauding the Court of Appeals (CA) decision to overturn the rape conviction of Marine Lance Cpl. Daniel Smith.

I became a fly on the wall at a parlor where Mon and the CA manang were having their hair and nails done:

Said the manang:

“This court finds it deceptively posturing Nicole’s portrayal of herself as a demure provinciana lass, going on a first-time vacation to Subic and expressed her disgust to see an American guy with a Filipina girl, seated on his lap, cavorting in the bar, and another couple kissing amid those people around the club. That was what she did later in the Neptune Club.”

Tulfo nodded his head and told the salon employees who were obviously for Nicole:

“If the ‘not guilty’ verdict by the Court of Appeals on US Marine Cpl. Daniel Smith shocked you, you are either a xenophobe or leftist. Why should you side with ‘Nicole’ who wanted a ‘quickie’ with a handsome stranger and then complained of being raped?”

“Rumampa daw si Nicole?” said the manicurista.

“Echoz ng echozera! Akala ko pang mga manang lang ang face ni Danny Smith. Eh super-keri gwash din pala siya kay Mang Monay,” replied the hairdresser.

Tulfo ignored the comments.

“If Nicole claimed she was drunk at the time, and so was Smith, who is younger than her,” he continued.

“Ngek, take advantage pa daw ang chipanggarutay sa fresh seafood,” said the hairdresser.

The manang spoke up:

“She did not drop on the floor, nor did she vomit. When a woman is drunk, she can hardly rise, much more stand up and dance, or she would just drop. This is a common experience among Filipino girls. The curious thing is that she danced non-stop to the urgent beat of rock and hip-hop music in an inebriated state for 15 minutes without stumbling clumsily on the floor. This gap in her narration with the malingering explanation that she was dizzy and could not remember is dubiously fanciful for being what the court perceptively describes as contrary to ordinary experience of man.”

“Isn’t that right, Mon?” asked the manang.

“Any person who drinks will tell you that when one gets tipsy or drunk he knows what he’s doing but that inhibitions fly out the window,” he replied. And he piled on.

“Why did she engage in ‘dirty dancing’ with a complete stranger whom she met for the first time?” he asked rhetorically.

“Mang Mon,” replied the manicu-rista, “I understand that dirty dancing is in the eye of the beholder, but ‘a complete stranger whom she met for the first time’ makes no sense to me. Parang ulyanin ka with your pa-emphasis. Next time, just say ‘dirty dancing with a complete stranger,’ the slander is no less effective.”

“Gaga!” said Mon.

“Chervalou,” said the hairdresser.

The manang insisted it was “a spontaneous, unplanned romantic episode with both parties carried away by their passions and stirred up by the urgency of the moment caused probably by alcoholic drinks they took, only to be rudely interrupted when the van suddenly stopped to pick up some passengers.”

“Anong ibig sabihin nun?” asked the manicurista.

“Chika lang,” explained the hairdresser. “Enggaloid daw sila at nadaot ang lapchukan kasi yun bobita jones na driver biglang namulot ng pasahero.”

“Kawawa naman si Smith, inapi ng mundo,” said the manicurista.

“Crayola ako sa awa,” sobbed the hairdresser.

“It was probably the first time for the American, and definitely not for Nicole as many Zamboangueños who know her will tell you,” speculated Morality Mon.

“Hah?!?” reacted the manicurista.

“Wala, wish lang ni Mang Monay na virgin pa si Danny Boy,” explained the hairdresser.

The interrupted manang continued:

“Resistance by words of mouth” is not enough. She could have used “her hands and nails, her limbs or even her pelvic muscles.”

“Ganun? Kulang pa pala sa laban si Nicole?” reacted the manicurista. “Anong gagawin niya sa pelvic muscles niya, muscle control?”

“On hindsight, we see this protestation of decency as a protective shield against her own indecorous behavior,” added the manang.

“What is indecorous behavior?” asked the manicurista.

“Indecorous is the behavior of one of the manang justices in the GSIS-Meralco-Court of Appeals bribery scandal. The Supreme Court admonished her for allowing herself to be rushed by Justice Roxas to side with Manila Electric Co. against Government Service Insurance System,” explained the hairdresser. “And Manang Justice got what she deserved for not resisting Justice Roxas with her hands and nails, her limbs or even her pelvic muscles.”